For the past few days, I’ve been keeping a video diary. I haven’t shared it on social media yet, because I feel incredibly vulnerable.
I did post a poll on my Instagram story saying that I’m not doing very well and asking whether I should share it or not. Most people voted that I should share it.
But no one actually sent me a message, which I found strange. So I posted another story saying exactly that — and then a whole bunch of messages came in. I really needed that.
People I haven’t spoken to in years, or people I don’t even know in real life, offering support and saying kind things — that honestly meant so much to me 🩷
So here’s what’s going on. I’m still on my period, with constant cramps — some of them so intense that I literally double over in pain. You won’t see me without a heating pad pressed against my lower abdomen.
My head feels foggy, like there’s mist in my brain, and I can’t think clearly all the time. I feel angry and at the same time unbelievably sad. I don’t recognize myself like this, and I don’t want to be this person.
And I find it absurd that I’m not allowed to decide for myself whether my uterus should be removed. I understand that doctors can’t just remove a “healthy” organ, but my uterus is not healthy.
The fact that they can’t currently figure out what’s wrong with it is not my fault.
Take it out and examine it. I have another hospital appointment coming up to once again talk about a hysterectomy. I’ll have 20 minutes to convince a woman that I’m becoming hysterical and that I can’t live like this — without sounding so hysterical that she sends me straight to the psychiatric department. It’s so unfair.
And I haven’t even talked about the phone call with the assistant who scheduled the appointment, because that was strange too. I called to make the appointment and she immediately said I needed to have had an internal ultrasound. I calmly told her I already had. She said she couldn’t see it and that it must have been “like 100 years ago.” When I repeated that I’d had a similar ultrasound about four years ago, she suddenly could see it. She then asked if I could come in on a certain date and time. I said yes and asked if it was just a consultation. She replied that it was, but told me not to get my hopes up about surgery because I was “too young.” That’s when I got irritated — an assistant has no authority to say that. When I told her this wasn’t something I was going to discuss with her, she said I should discuss it with the gynecologist, wished me a nice day, and then hung up on me.
It keeps echoing in my head, and I will definitely bring this up at my hospital appointment, because it was extremely unprofessional.
So yeah… that’s where I’m at right now. Today I’m meeting with the occupational health doctor from my (for now) employer — also someone who tends to be very blunt. The last time I spoke to him, he was condescending and even said he thought my feelings were exaggerated, so that should be fun 🙃
But however this all turns out… thank you for reading 🩷 I wish you a beautiful day 🩷
🤗🤗